As a male therapist, I have a unique perspective on men’s mental health in our society. From my experiences, I can say that we live in a culture where men need therapy more than ever before. There is no doubt that men face unique challenges when it comes to mental health, and we must address these issues head-on.

Unfortunately, there is still a stigma attached to seeking therapy, especially for men. This stigma can be a significant barrier to men seeking help to overcome mental health challenges. As a therapist, I aim to break down these barriers and provide a safe and welcoming space for men to seek the help they need.

In this blog post, I want to explore why therapy for men is so important and provide some insight into how therapy can help men overcome these challenges. So, if you are a man struggling with your mental health or know someone who is, I hope you will find this post helpful and informative.

Like everyone everywhere, men rely on relationships to succeed

These include marriages, relationships with our children, work relationships, friendships, etc. The most successful people you meet or read about will tell you that their success is driven at least in part by the relationships they form and nurture. My wife is not only my friend and partner; she’s also my closest and most supportive relationship. The better my relationship with her, the happier and more productive I am, and the better my kids do. 

My relationships with coworkers have led to my successes professionally (and often to my failures when I’m not attending to those relationships enough). I have a few close friends I can go to with things I might not be able to confide in someone else. The better my relationship with my doctor, the more likely I am to follow their advice, and therefore, I stay healthier.

Conversely, the men I know who struggle most through life are the ones with nonexistent, surface-level only, or struggling and conflictual relationships. One of the most significant benefits of therapy is learning about who we are in relationships and how to develop our relationships into two-way streets that are meaningful, effective, and benefit us and others.

Our culture has blurred the definition of what it means to be a man

I could spend pages here discussing how this came to be. Still, I’ll emphasize this point: the diminishment of the father’s role in society has led to many young men growing up with a limited or nonexistent example of how to grow into effective men. As an example, watch any television show geared toward our youth. Fathers are typically presented in one of two ways: a.) they’re portrayed as friends to their children, or b.) they’re the goofy buffoon that the mom and kids roll their eyes at and dismiss (think “Everybody Loves Raymond”). I remember telling my now adult daughters when they were teens, “Make no mistake: it’s not my job to be your friend, and I’m not the kind of dad you should dismiss.”

When I’ve worked with men in therapy, helping them define their role and responsibilities has been a central theme in why they come in. So many men I’ve met come to therapy struggling to meet what seem to be society’s expectations of them as a husband/father. They feel like they’re failing while fighting an internal emotional and thought battle that they’re just not getting it right. This is often because they’re trying to be what society wants them to be instead of who they really are. They’ve been trapped in the “Act Like a Man Box.” Therapy is an incredibly effective way of defining our values and beliefs and learning how to implement them in our lives in a way that is effective for us and those in our relationship circles.

Almost every man wants to be better than his father

A central theme seems to occur with men so much more than women – “I’ll consider my life a success if I do better than my dad did.” I was fortunate to grow up with a dad who was both present and active in my life. I also, when I became a father, almost immediately started defining the ways I wanted to do better than he did. “I want to be at every game, concert, and parent-teacher conference.” “I’m going to hug more and lecture less.” “I want to be hands-on and actually teach my kids how to do things.” “I’ll talk with them more and actually listen.”

Like everything in life, I’ve been successful in some of those efforts and failed miserably in others. In essence, I’ve ended up much more like my dad than I thought I would because he also wanted to do better than HIS father (and he did). One of the ways therapy helps men is to not only help them learn about themselves and how they can change their thoughts and behaviors to do better, but therapy can help men understand the world they came from and what there is to learn from it. That helps us not repeat mistakes from our fathers and also learn what they did right so we can keep that trend moving forward. 

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 A male therapist’s perspective

I’m not a “manly man.” I’m not a warrior, but I’m not afraid of confrontation when I can’t avoid it. I do better with spreadsheets than I do with tears. I have a decent workshop in my garage that I don’t spend enough time in. I make bad jokes and dad jokes (usually one and the same). I love cooking, grilling, and using my smoker, mostly because I like eating. All in all, I’m… well… mostly just a guy.

Make no mistake; the irony is not lost on me that I’m trained and employed as a therapist. I spend a portion of every day immersed in emotions and hurt, interpersonal relationships, and the process of change. Activities that are very non-guy. I’ve lost count of how many times in my 30-year career someone has commented, “You’re not the kind of person I’d expect to be a therapist.” And when one considers the “typical” therapist – or at least how therapists are portrayed in film, media, etc. – those statements are valid. Over the years, my standard response has been, “You’re probably right; but maybe the therapy field needs more ‘guys’ like me who are uniquely equipped to help men.”

The importance of therapy

Therapy isn’t for everyone. Many people are doing better in life than they think they are. And if you’re one of those men for whom life is going well and you’re not hurting (yourself or someone else), keep doing what you’re doing! But if you’re struggling, even with that lingering doubt that you can or should be doing better, consider contacting a therapist at Family Counseling Service. At the very least, you’ll learn something about yourself, and that’s always a win.