Communication Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict

Effective communication is the key to any successful and healthy relationship. Still, it is easy to fall into the trap of making common mistakes when it comes to conflict. These communication mistakes can worsen disputes, leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even end relationships.

Several studies illustrate the significant impact of communication on couples in recent years. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who communicate effectively have more satisfying relationships and are less likely to divorce or end their partnership. Another study by the National Marriage Project found that 94% of couples who reported being unhappy in their marriage also reported poor communication as the primary reason. These statistics highlight the importance of effective communication in relationships and the negative consequences of poor communication.

By improving communication skills, couples can build stronger relationships and avoid many common communication mistakes that lead to conflicts and dissatisfaction. Today we’ll explore three common communication mistakes couples make during conflict and advice for how to avoid them.

3 Common Communication Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict

Using generalizations and blaming

Generalizations and blaming are two common mistakes that can harm couples’ communication during conflict. Blaming involves accusing the other person of being responsible for the conflict and can make your partner feel attacked and defensive, leading to an escalation of conflict. Generalizations involve making sweeping statements about their behavior or character. For example, saying, “you always ignore me” or “you never listen to me” are generalizations that are unlikely to be true and can feel hurtful and dismissive to the other person.

The problem with blaming and generalizations is that they can cause your partner to feel defensive and criticized. The “accused” partner may become resentful and withdraw from the conversation, feeling that they are being unfairly blamed for the problem. In turn, the person blaming may feel frustrated that their partner is not taking responsibility for their actions.

Blaming and generalizations can also negatively impact the relationship by creating a pattern of negative communication. If these mistakes become a regular part of the conversation, they can erode trust and intimacy between partners, leading to a breakdown in communication and potential relationship problems.

Not listening actively

Not listening actively during couples’ conflicts can negatively impact communication and the relationship. Active listening involves paying attention to what the other person is saying, understanding their perspective, and responding thoughtfully and respectfully. Unfortunately, many couples fail to listen actively during conflicts and it can lead to:

Misunderstandings: partners may misinterpret what the other person is saying without active listening. This often leads to further disagreements and an escalation of conflict, potentially causing long-term emotional damage to the relationship.
Feeling unheard: the partner who feels unheard may question whether the other person cares about their feelings and opinions, which can erode trust over time.
Increased tension: when one partner is not actively listening during conflict, it can increase the tension between partners. The partner who is not being heard may become more frustrated and angry, leading to further communication breakdowns and causing conflict to escalate.

Active listening involves giving your partner your undivided attention, summarizing what they said, and validating their feelings. It also consists of responding respectfully and thoughtfully, even if you disagree with what your partner is saying.

Stonewalling and withdrawing

Stonewalling and withdrawing during conflicts can make your partner feel ignored and dismissed. Stonewalling is when a person completely shuts down and stops responding during conflict, while withdrawing physically and emotionally removes oneself from the current problem. These behaviors can lead to the following:

Emotional distancing: stonewalling and withdrawing can cause emotional distance between partners. When one partner is not actively engaging in the communication process during conflict, the other partner might feel neglected, unheard, or unimportant.
Decreased intimacy: when stonewalling and withdrawing become frequent patterns in a relationship, it can create a barrier between partners, making it difficult to connect on a deeper level.
Escalation of conflict: when one partner is not engaging in the conversation, the other partner may become more frustrated and angry, increasing tension and further communication breakdowns.

It’s essential to stay engaged and work through conflicts together. Staying engaged and working through conflicts can help strengthen your relationship.

Tips for Avoiding Communication Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict

Avoid generalizations and blaming by using “I” statements

Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to express how you feel and how your partner’s behavior impacts you. Use specific examples to illustrate your point and avoid sweeping statements. For example, saying, “you’re always late and it’s your fault we missed the movie,” is blaming. While saying, “I was looking forward to seeing the movie, and it was disappointing when we missed it because we were late,” focuses on the behavior and its impact on you.

Doing so can encourage a more productive conversation that promotes understanding and resolution rather than defensiveness and escalation.

Practice active listening

Practicing active listening skills by giving your partner your full attention, summarizing what they said, and asking questions to clarify confusion can promote healthy communication and allow you to work through problems more effectively. For example, making statements such as “I understand why you’re feeling frustrated, and I am sorry that my behavior hurt you,” shows that you’re listening and considering your partner’s feelings.

Some tips that can help practice active listening are:

Give your full attention when your partner is speaking.
Show empathy: try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see things from their perspective, even if you disagree.
Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to share more about their perspective.
Validate your partner’s feelings to let them know you understand what they are feeling.

Practice self-soothing to avoid stonewalling and withdrawing

It is essential to identify and address stonewalling and withdrawing behaviors when they occur. This involves recognizing when these behaviors are happening and actively working to address the underlying issues.

Strategies that can be helpful for this are:

Taking a break when emotions are running high, rather than completely shutting down or withdrawing. Communicate that to your partner and set a time to return to the conversation to re-attempt a resolution once you feel calm.
Practice deep breathing through your nose and out your mouth, focusing on your breath and trying to slow down your heart rate after an escalated argument.
Engage in self-care activities to self-soothe. These activities can be things you enjoy, such as taking a bath, reading a book, journaling, taking a walk, etc.

Practicing these strategies can help you regain a sense of control and emotional balance and promote healthier communication and conflict resolution in your relationship.

Get Help When You Need It

Communication mistakes are common during conflicts between couples. However, by recognizing and avoiding these mistakes, we can build stronger relationships and resolve conflict more effectively. It is important to remember that effective communication is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Take the time to enhance your communication skills and enjoy a happy, healthy relationship with your partner.

If you need help with communication within your relationship, we encourage you to reach out and give us a call at 630-844-2662 or contact us online to schedule individual, couples, or family therapy. We are here to help you.