1 in 4. Up to 25% of women have experienced pregnancy or infant loss. And we do not talk about it enough. There needs to be more conversation about grief after pregnancy and infant loss.
I am 1 in 4. After having a miscarriage at 9 weeks pregnant, I remember feeling like I was not “supposed” to talk about it. I remember feeling like, “I was only 9 weeks along, so it wasn’t that big of a loss. Others have bigger losses.” I also remember feeling hopeless, helpless, and alone. It was like I was expected to return to my normal life as if nothing happened, when the loss felt monumental for me.
I had feelings of guilt, anger, shame, and blame. I wanted there to be a reason that this happened. I wanted more information than just the data that told me the statistics of how many pregnancies end this way. I grieved all of the dreams for the future. I feared that this would happen again.
So, what did I do? I started talking.
I talked to the women in my life and the men in my life and realized that most people I knew were impacted by pregnancy or infant loss. However, I was shocked that I had no idea so many people in my life experienced this loss in silence before my own experience.
You are not alone if you have been impacted by pregnancy or infant loss. Your loss is real, and it is not your fault. You are allowed to feel exactly how you feel, and your grief doesn’t have to look a certain way. Grief has no timeline.
Supporting those experiencing pregnancy and infant loss
So, how do we help support women and men in our lives when they experience this loss? The suggestions below are a great place to start.
Acknowledge the loss and validate it
A pregnancy loss at 8 weeks or 28 weeks or 38 weeks is a loss. I remember wishing that people would acknowledge my loss. Even if you do not know what to say or feel you can not help, let them know that you are so sorry to hear about their miscarriage.
Avoid using invalidating statements
Statements like “at least it happened early,” “it wasn’t meant to be,” or “that is so common” can invalidate their loss. It can create feelings of shame surrounding their experience.
Give them permission to grieve
Allowing someone the permission to grieve can be such a gift to them. Provide space for the individual to talk as much or as little about it as they would like. Listen, listen, listen.
Encourage them to speak with others
Just as I discovered, so many more people in my life had experienced this same loss, and I had no idea. It was comforting to hear about other people’s experiences and to know that I was not alone.
Be there for them
Bring food. Or drop off flowers. Or a gift basket. Or ask if you can watch their other children. Or just sit with them.
Provide a judgement-free zone
Provide a safe space for them to talk about their experience without feeling judged.
Remember that everyone grieves differently
Remember that each loss is different and that we all experience grief differently. All of that is okay.
How to help yourself work through grief after pregnancy and infant loss
How do we help ourselves when we have experienced pregnancy or infant loss?
- Support groups–most hospitals offer pregnancy and infant loss support groups for parents (moms, dads, and siblings are usually welcome). There are also many online support groups.
- Lean on your friends and family for support.
- Tell someone you are struggling.
- Talk about your loss.
Image by BabyLemonPrints via Etsy
Resources to provide support
There are several online resources that can provide support:
If you are struggling with grief after pregnancy and infant loss, it’s important to get the help you need from a qualified mental health provider. Family Counseling Service is here to help. Give us a call at 630-844-2662 or contact us online to schedule individual therapy and give yourself permission to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
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